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Posted: Mon Apr 29, 2019 12:35 pm
My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because i didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, i explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
The silence in the taxi was deafening...
Posted: Mon Apr 29, 2019 1:21 pm
Paddy and Murphy on a building site. Slate falls off roof slicing Paddy's ear off. Murphy finds it, says,"is this yours Paddy?""No mine had a pencil behind it
Paddy and Murphy doing a crossword,"I'm stuck on 2 down Murphy: flightless bird from Iceland(6,7) ..Murphy replies "ya thick twat that's easy...frozen chicken
Posted: Mon Apr 29, 2019 1:39 pm
Teacher: “Who do you think invented dancing, children?”
Little Johnny: “My guess is a big Irish family with just one bathroom.”
What’s a good demonstration of the difference between a man and a woman?
The two meanings of the sentence: “What an ass!”
One friend to another:
I really can’t believe that after all that enormous shit they are together again.
What? Who are you talking about?
My butt cheeks, hahahahah
Posted: Mon Apr 29, 2019 1:55 pm
“You da bomb!”
“No, you da bomb!”
In America – a compliment. In the Middle East – an argument.
Posted: Sat May 04, 2019 12:34 pm
I had that song "safety dance" on my mind yesterday, for two hours, its just that I don't know the lyrics...
Posted: Wed May 08, 2019 10:36 pm
A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you
raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asks, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan,
then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why pray tell, are you a
'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a
Chelsea fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason
for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all
of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug
addict, what would you be then?'
Mary smiled, 'Then I'd be a Liverpool fan.
Posted: Sun May 12, 2019 1:26 pm
Two businessmen in new shopping mall
were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,
"What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, “Must be doing well... Only two left."
Posted: Wed May 15, 2019 10:13 pm
Downton Abbey - "Aplomb"
His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"
"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."
"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.
"Aplomb," My Lord.
"Now that's a difficult one to explain.
I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."
"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused."
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"
"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"
"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.
"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."
"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
"That evening the hole that the rose made on his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut up his venison even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice, 'Darling, does your prick still throb?' And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!
THAT is aplomb.
Posted: Sun May 19, 2019 12:04 pm
A man was dining in a fancy restaurant. There was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed!!! Her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man! He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
“Oh my, I am so sorry”, the woman said as she popped her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you”.
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together. Afterwards they went to the theatre, followed by drinks and banter at a local pub. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams, and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
“You know”, he said, “You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet”?
'No', she replies......
(Wait for it. It's coming!!!)
(The suspense is killing you, isn't it?)
“You just happened to catch my eye”
Posted: Sun May 19, 2019 12:10 pm
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all
led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go
back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren;'
And *poof* she's gone.
The second says, 'I want to be Madonna', and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini..'
St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he asks.
'Sara Pipalini,' replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't
ring a bell.'
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and
'No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months.'
If you laugh, you'll go straight to hell!