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bloodpirate
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jokes

Post by bloodpirate » 9 months ago

why did the chicken cross the road

to show the skunk it could be done

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supadupa
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Re: jokes

Post by supadupa » 9 months ago

An Australian, a Russian and a South African were out camping and after a while, the conversation got around to who was the toughest. "Us Aussies are the toughest!", scoffs the Australian. "We go into the boiling hot Outback and wrestle alligators, for fun!" "Oh that's nothing!", retorts the Russian. "We go out into the freezing wind and snow and go catch wolves with our bare hands!". The South African all the while just sat there quietly, continuing to stoke the fire with his penis.

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supadupa
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Re: jokes

Post by supadupa » 9 months ago

A father decides to buy a lie-detecting robot that slaps someone whenever they lie. He brings it to dinner one night and asks his son, "Son, what were you doing in your room last night with the door locked?".

The son scoffed and said, "Why I was doing my homework of course!" and rolled his eyes after the sarcastic tone of voice. The robot slaps the son.

"Ow...okay fine, I was watching porn okay??" said the son.

"What??" The father gasped. "When I was your age we didn't even have porn!" The robot slaps the father.

The mother laughs and adds in, "Well he sure is your son." The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

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supadupa
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Re: jokes

Post by supadupa » 9 months ago

bloodpirate wrote:
9 months ago
why did the chicken cross the road

to show the skunk it could be done
Why did A Dell cross the road?
To say hello from the other side ...

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dokken
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Re: jokes

Post by dokken » 9 months ago

a guy is shouting from across the street "Hey, how do I get to the other side of the road?!"

My response "No worries , look you're already there"

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Kaya
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Re: jokes

Post by Kaya » 9 months ago

Two donkeys are standing at a roadside, one asks the other: So, shall we cross? - The other shakes his head: "No way, look at what happened to the zebra."
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Kaya
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Re: jokes

Post by Kaya » 9 months ago

It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
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supadupa
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Re: jokes

Post by supadupa » 9 months ago

Kaya wrote:
9 months ago
It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
LOL ^^ that's a good one ;)

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supadupa
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Re: jokes

Post by supadupa » 9 months ago

My grandfather absolutely despised cats.

It all started when my gran used to leave her baked goods to cool on the mantle next to the window and the neighbors tabby would sneak up onto the window sill and take a bite (he tended to favour apple pies).

Over time the ginger menace (the cat, not granddad) got more daring, cunning, and dare I say it, malicious. He started sneaking right into the window around dinner time and performing a patented feline dine and dash. I think granddad married grams primarily for her culinary prowess and thus these intrusions were particularly offensive to him.

That's when things started getting intense. He convinced grams to start spicing up her food in the hopes to target the problem at the source - his little tabby taste buds. This didn't help much other than to spur my family to eat before visiting because mealtimes at the old people got so intense that no amount of Rennies or milk could help dampen the heat from gram's cooking - her peri-peri potjie was particularly potent, causing a veritable blitzkrieg of the small intestine.

Was the tabby perturbed? Nope, he wasn't. One night he swooped in and gormandized an entire chicken while granddad sat blissfully unaware, watching Bold and the Beautiful.

Things eventually came to a head one balmy November night. Gram had cooked granddads favourite dinner, bobotie. The "ginger bastard", as granddad had come to calling the feline, swift of foot and silent as the wind, alighted into the kitchen where the dish was cooling, and just as ginger was about to take a fourth or fifth mouthful, granddad exploded from the pantry, covered in flour and brandishing a can of baked beans and a carton of Ultramel like a madman. He pounced on the unsuspecting animal, and, having lost all sensibilities and goodwill towards all creatures great and small, proceeded to tie a rope around the poor creature's tail, attached two bricks to the other end, and swore he was going to send the creature to its inevitable demise at the bottom of their swimming pool.

Grams wailed for him to stop, but having lost all sanity, granddad stormed out. There was a loud splash, followed by an eerie silence broken only by the type of sucking sounds one hears from a Kreepy Krauly too close to the surface.

Peace achieved at last, an eerie calm came over ol' granddad and he settled down more cheerily than he had been for some time to enjoy a bowl of the worlds spiciest bobotie. Believing that to be the end of the matter, he was rather startled to hear a knock at the door some five minutes later. Grumbling, he got up to deal with the intrusion.

There stood the tabby cat, sweating profusely and clutching his throat and gasping "PLEASE, I NEED MORE WATER".

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Kaya
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Re: jokes

Post by Kaya » 9 months ago

Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

I told her, "I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." She fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun. :lol:
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